The 100 / #19: Emma Schroeder

#19 Emma Schroeder Surrey, UK

Emma's images

    • This is when Gemma came over to dye all my hairs blonde and it's great because she's a hairdresser and has all the proper goos and shampoos but I get mates rates because we're pals. But no seriously this is the worst picture of myself I've ever seen. -- Emma
    • This is my dad isn't he a charming man. I wanted to get a picture of my mum as well but she refused because she didn't want an unflattering picture of herself on the internet, I don't know why. -- Emma
    • Matt was back from uni and it was his birthday and we were getting ready to go out and that's a lot of cookery books on the bookself and Max was just our taxi really. -- Emma
    • It was funny because we couldn't light Matt's cake for the longest time. None of us had a lighter and the matches were all soggy and broken and the hob was one of those non-fire heated pads. I can't remember how we managed to light it but there was a massive cheer when we did. -- Emma
    • This is in Max's car before he got pulled over for going through a traffic light, a RED traffic light. But it was okay (as he explained to the police) because he was going too fast to stop and it was raining and reasons so they let us go. It was all very exciting. -- Emma
    • There's this club we went to and it was dead. There was literally nobody else in there so it was like a private club for us with our own personal DJ which was awesome and me and Matt requested Craig David and Artful Dodger - Woman Trouble many, many times since it is, undoubtedly, the best song ever made in the history of all things great. -- Emma
    • Can you SEE how EMPTY it was? I'm tellin' ya, I'm not exagerating when I say it was empty, like it well and truly was. And that's what makes it possibly the best club ever - people that go to clubs are generally terrible people so without them it's a much more satisfactory experience. -- Emma
    • Wow we are all looking fantastically sober. I don't even know who that guy on the far right is. I don't even know if the others knew him. A few (literally) other people showed up later on and it was strange, like being the only man on the moon and seeing someone else there. But it was all cool because they bought us drinks so we accepted them into our club. -- Emma
    • Me, Matt, Ellis, Emily and Fran doing another photo, I think at some point after this Gangham Style came on so we had to dance to that. That song is everywhere. I think people are going to get tired of it at some point. -- Emma
    • They are all looking pretty ghosty here but I can assure you they were not real ghosts. Real ghosts do cool stuff like walk through walls and haunt people, not lame dancing and drinking. I mean ghosts don't even drink. Actually they just float around looking miserable and in that sense ghosts are kind of party poopers. -- Emma
    • My hair was getting gradually more and more disheveled and the rain was being all annoying and spitting everywhere like it hated the whole country and everything in it and especially my hair which is why it is a kinky mess as you can see and that is actually kind of disrespectful. -- Emma
    • Me and Joe went to check out Broadmoor Hospital at night because it was kind of eerie what with all the fog and the lights and the rain and the mad people locked up. You can't see it in this picture but you can see Joe and all these little orbs. I think they're the ghosts of floating marbles or something. -- Emma
    • This is in Camberley which is without a doubt a terrible place. I saw this girl once and she was about 5 and pregnant and smoking so I gave her this really disapproving look something like >:/ -- Emma
    • I never took this photo and I don't know who did and I can't even identify who's crotch this is. Do you recognise this crotch? If you have any information please get in touch and help us solve this mystery. -- Emma
    • Sophie and Gemma were looking particularly unbloody and undisgusting so my dad got all excited and insisted on doing some scabs and bullet holes with liquid latex and fake blood. When my brother was 3 (or something) dad gave him a fake bullet wound on the face and when he looked in a mirror he started hysterically crying because he thought he'd been shot. Me, I find that hilarious. -- Emma
    • My dad, Gemma, Sophie, me and mum. Mum went as Morticia from the Addams family and wanted really high eyebrows so she spent a whole day watching Youtube tutorials of drag queens using Pritt Stick to cover up their eyebrows. Her attempt was not as successful so we all laughed at her. -- Emma
    • My dad had a bit of flesh hanging off his jumper which was actually ciabatta glued on with liquid latex and painted. He went around TEARING BITS OF "FLESH" OFF and OFFERING IT TO PEOPLE. One woman accepted his bizarre offer and started choking because he had given her ciabatta which was basically a solid chunk of liquid latex. She said, (between chokes), that it tasted rubbery. He insisted it was just a bit of cheese. He also had eggshells glued to his face. -- Emma
    • We went to a pub for it's Halloween charity event and it was really cool how they'd decorated it, I mean there were dead people lying all over the place and it turned out they weren't actually dead people, just dummies or something. But it got me thinking - a Halloween party would be the perfect place to hide your dead bodies, eh? -- Emma
    • Sophie was dressed as a creepy bloody nurse and we found some guy dressed up as a creepy bloody doctor so naturally this photo had to be taken. Behind them is the man with all the eggshells glued to his face who I have to call my dad. -- Emma
    • We kept going to the loos to smear more blood on our faces rather than putting on lipstick or eyeliner or whatever girls do. The best thing about being a zombie is not having to do your hair. -- Emma
    • There was a panda at the Halloween party. What the hell man, pandas aren't scary what was it doing there. Gemma insisted on getting a photo with the "polar bear". -- Emma
    • You can't see very well here but in the background is this girl we didn't like because she was acting, in the nicest term possible, massively slutty. So we frowned at her a lot. At the end of the night she had to go to A&E because a glass bottle smashed in her hand and I can't help but feel we did some sort of black magic and caused that to happen. Weird, man. -- Emma
    • I don't know if you can tell from these pictures but as the evening went on we were getting progressively drunker and drunkerer and drunkererer. -- Emma
    • This is Brian and her mirror twin and she's eating the chocolate bar I collected from a man's foot. It was weird, there was this man running for the train and he scuffed the floor and this chocolate bar just appeared and he looked so confused and just kept running to his train. The station man was eyeing it up too but I quickly nipped over and retrieved it but it was terrible because it was Turkish Delight. -- Emma
    • Aw man, you can't really see it here but this was an amazing bacon sandwich I made because I'm very talented at making them. Seriously - I've been given 10/10s for my sandwiches before. Making good bacon sandwiches is my forté. -- Emma
    • This is my dad eating said bacon sandwich and I think he is in agreement that this was a good sandwich. -- Emma

About Emma

Tell us a little bit about yourself
My name is Emma. I live in an unextraordinary town in Surrey, England near some trees and some shops. Currently my job is working on the meat and fish counter at your local supermarket and I just gut fish and arrange them in cheery poses and drop expensive pieces of meat on the floor. I get some money too which I’m attempting to save so I can go travelling and meet some awesome people with interesting stories.

I like art and have perfected the skill of making people look awful with my blind-drawings. Also photography (digital and film) and going to cool places like museums, old abandoned hospitals, theme parks, arcades (where I can beat absolutely anyone at Mario Kart, seriously, I’m super talented at that game), and watching the sun set on the beach.

Also I like writing stuff – I’m currently writing a book about all manner of things like the plight of the cactus and magical underwater adventures and I’m very excited because it’s going to be great.

And I have two heads.

Just joking.

What one thing are you most proud of in your years so far?
I’ve done lots of things I’m very proud of and there are just so many – I have so much to be proud about. I ate 5 doughnuts in a row, I’m so good at sarcasm people think I’m being serious, I can raise my eyebrows separately, I did a tattoo of a Space Invader on my hand, once I nearly dropped something but caught it in the nick of time, sometimes I can make music play out of my mouth by putting an earphone up each nostril, I survived crashing my car after I decided to drive to Wales, I can memorize any single digit number for a day and when I don’t wash my hair for a few days it literally sticks on end which is kind of impressive.

There is probably no end to my talents. I would definitely go as far as saying I am exceptionally talented.

What one thing do you hope to have achieved by the age of 100?
I would very much like to be a solar powered robot by the age of 100 by gradually replacing my limbs with robotic ones as they gradually wear out or fall off. This would put me in an ideal position to feed the lions at the zoos, check out some awesome shipwrecks and visit the moon to find out if it is really made of cheese – one of life’s greatest mysteries.

And I would look so cool everyone would give me so many jealous looks and I could literally go wherever I wanted. I mean I could just walk through a solid patch of stingy nettles and emerge unscathed, I could bury myself and set metal detectors off for a little joke and conduct electricity very effectively.

I would also like to be best friends with the cookie monster. Man, that would be cool.

What challenges do you think our planet will face over the next 100 years?
There is a lot of problems our planet is facing already so assuming we don’t all get wiped out by the zombie apocalypse then I suppose a lot of things will just get worse.

Because of global warming, polar bears and penguins will no longer have icy homes to live in and I suppose we will take responsibility for them and keep them in our fridges and they could hand ice-cubes out to us in exchange for ice-cream or whatever they eat.

Also because of the massive totally not-exaggerated threat of music piracy, record companies will take extreme measures to prevent people wanting to illegally download music. Basically music will just be random beeps, people burping and white noise so no one will want to download it and therefore not want to illegally download it.

And there will be a new Apple iPhone and it will be a bit faster and brighter than the other one.

What piece of advice would you give to your 10 year old self?
One day you will buy a Magic-8 Ball and you must listen to everything it says, it is very wise. It is particularly wise with difficult decisions that cannot be decided by a simple coin flip.

Also don’t give your sea monkeys vodka – they don’t get drunk and do tricks.

Third life lesson: people in your life will change – sorry kid, but it’s true. But the good thing is they are chumps anyway, you’ll meet way cooler people and why would you want my advice anyway? It’s your life – do what you want. But don’t kill anyone – that’s illegal.

Also you should learn all the moves to the Macarena now because you’re going to look really stupid at the school disco if you jump in the wrong direction again.

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